We Need to Talk
“Talk to someone, anyone.” That’s the advice everyone gives. It’s obvious, it’s lazy, and it’s so incredibly difficult for someone dealing with depression. Much easier said than done.
You all might be wondering what my old pal Mack is up to these days. He’s not here this exact second, but he’s also never very far away. For those who don’t know, Mack is the mopey version of myself. He’s my depression. And he f**king sucks. But I thought it was time to talk about him for bit. Not from his point of view, but from my own.
Why does my brain make me feel this way? Why is this time of year a massive trigger? Crisp mornings and evenings. Why am I drawn to country music songs about whiskey and barstools and lost loves?
You’d think by now I’d be okay with the transition between Summer and Fall. After all, I’m 34 years old. I’ve gone to therapy. I’m on medication. I’ve taken strides to get my mental health straight. I’ve gone to great lengths to make sure I never have to deal with Mack again. My wife is my biggest fan — my support system. Our dog Banks can brighten my day just by being his smelly old self. But some days all of those things combined just aren’t enough. That’s why I wanted to revisit this place. I haven’t written here in a while. But there has been some sadness creeping in. Mack is definitely right around the corner, just sitting in wait.
I’m a big believer in closure. I believe in getting closure in certain aspects of your life to be able to move forward. It’s one of the hardest, but most important things that I’ve worked on in therapy. And as tough as this stuff is to say, and actually get down on paper…it’s important that I say it.
There was a time a few years back — I’d say 2019 into 2020 — where I wanted to end my life. I was fired from my job of 3 years. Going from a steady paycheck to being unemployed, I wasn’t in a good place.
Before I started therapy. Before I started taking medication. I felt trapped, hopeless, and alone. And the frustrating part was all I kept reading or hearing was “Talk to someone, anyone.” So let me tell you right now…
IT’S. NOT. THAT. SIMPLE.
From an outsider’s perspective all you want is for the person you care about not to suffer, not to hurt, or my favorite “just be happy.” And you can be there for them, and you can talk to them — sure you can.
But my personal experience with going to friends or family, is that it’s overwhelming for everyone involved. It’s a heavy thing to talk about, and that puts pressure on the person dealing with depression as well as the person trying to help.
All of that is to say, I felt like I had no way out. Like the only logical step was to literally take my own life.
There were nights I would just think about how I was going to do it. I thought of sneaking out at 3AM and jumping off the RFK bridge. I used to have a key card into the skyscraper building that I used to work in. I thought of going to the top floor and just leaping. Maybe throwing myself in front of a train. I really liked the train idea, because I’d be messing up everyone else’s commute. And why shouldn’t they be just as miserable as I was, right?
I know that paragraph is going to worry and scare some people. That’s not my intention, I promise I’m not in that place anymore. Medication is an amazing thing, as is talking to a therapist. I don’t have those thoughts anymore and even if I did, I have a strong support system around me. I’m not in that place anymore. I want to make sure readers know that.
I needed to get that out for me more than anything else…you know, closure. So… “Talk to someone, anyone.” I think that’s good advice, but make sure it’s the right someone. Someone equipped to help.
I’m not saying being that far gone and turning it around isn’t without its struggles. The saying that I relate to the most when it comes to depression is “It’s okay to not be okay.” And that’s how I approach Mack when he comes back around. He’s always going to be there. Closer some days than others.
I hope this piece helps. I know doing the research and finding resources was the hardest part for me. Here are some links that I’ve found useful.
Lemonaid Health — Affordable alternatives to expensive medications for anxiety and depression.
Suicide and Crisis Lifeline — 24/7 access to free and confidential support for those in distress.
BetterHelp — Affordable, private therapists available online for remote therapy sessions.
And just a quick shoutout to my boys back home in Western, PA breaking the stigma that men shouldn’t talk about mental health or depression. Tyler’s Tee-Off is an incredible annual event that not only honors a dear friend, but also raises awareness for suicide and depression. Keep up the good work, fellas!
