Top 10 Reasons Why the Beach is Bomb-Titties
When you’re on a beach, the world just feels like a better place. As a 29 year old, I may have finally come to appreciate the little things in life a bit more. The beach is one of those things. So in light of the fact that I was just in Ocean City for a full week (and I can’t think of shit to write about) here are my top 10 reasons why the beach is bomb-titties.
#10 — Friends. Let’s get the sappy shit out of the way. Any trip to the beach I’ve ever taken has been 100 times better because I was with great friends. Whether I’m opening up a chilled brew with the boys or getting my tan on with the girlfriend, the beach would be nothing without the people I love there to enjoy it with me.
#9 — It’s Romantic As Fuck. I messed up. My girl just wanted to ride a Ferris Wheel on the beach, and we didn’t do it. Somehow I still got laid. But on some real levels, the beach is giving you gold when it comes to being romantic. Fellas, don’t be as competitive as me. Let your significant other win at mini-golf once in a while. Enjoy a brisk run from the cops, as you ditch your beers on the beach at midnight. Seriously, wake up at 5:30am and watch that gorgeous sunrise (I didn’t do any of these things this past trip, but the opportunities are there!)
#8 — Paid To Be There. If you get lucky enough to snag employment with a company that offers paid vacation…EMBRACE IT. I can’t tell you any better way to “get back at the man” than by getting hammered on a beach for a week, and being paid to do it. It’s really the closest I’ll ever get to being a professional athlete. You get paid to do what you want to do. Also known as, “You do you.”
#7 — God’s Fucking Swimming Pool. Living in NYC (or any city really) doesn’t give you many ideal swimming opportunities. Unless of course you want to pay for a gym membership, or feel like getting Tetanus from a public pool. The ocean is a beautiful thing. You can practically swim wherever and whenever you want. Not to mention, taking a dip in the Atlantic after a night of belligerent drinking is one of the ultimate hangover cures. And let’s be honest, the ocean is why you go to the beach in the first place.
#6 — Arcades. This may be the inner-nerd coming out in me, but there’s something about a good boardwalk arcade that gets me pumped at the beach. I have a competitive spirit, and if I can relish in that on vacation I will definitely do so. Give me a good pinball machine, some skee-ball, and I’m set. There’s just something nostalgic about a boardwalk arcade. It’s cheesy, but I love it.
#5 —The Beach House. This is your home away from home. If I’m being honest, packing up and leaving the house is usually the hardest part. In one week you make so many memories, and this place kind of becomes sacred ground. Like, I’m well aware that other people have rented it before and after our group, but once the melancholy sets in it’s hard to imagine anyone else setting foot in that beach house. Before anyone reaches for the razor blades, beach houses are awesome. For the athletically inclined, we drank large amounts of alcohol and participated in multiple sporting events including ladder golf, flip cup, beer pong, and cornhole. For those who like to relax inside, our house came equipped with Monopoly, Wifi, and A/C. The best part has to be that you’re not confined to one single hotel room. What’s not to love?
#4 — Beach Beers. One of my favorite things about being a piece of shit adult, is the ability to drink a lot of beer in a short amount of time. So combine that talent, with a full week of relaxation…It’s the perfect storm. My beach days consisted mainly of re-applying sunscreen, trying to be athletic, running full speed into the ocean, then “hydrating” with alcoholic liquids. Shout out to Big Alice Brewing in Long Island City, NY.
Their Honey Wit was my beer of choice and as the kids say, it was “refreshing AF.”
#3 — The Weather. There were some rainy days on my last beach trip. But I’ll take a rainy day at the beach over a sunny day at work 100% of the time. It poured the last night we were in Ocean City but we scrounged up some umbrellas, I tossed on a garbage bag poncho, and we set out to the nearest alcoholic watering hole. But when the weather is on at the beach…it’s fuckin’ on at the beach. Being a pale white dude, I go through roughly 2 bottles of sunscreen over the period of a week, but it’s worth it. Summer at the beach is what life’s all about.
#2 — Peeing In The Water. Good Lord, this may be the only thing that feels better than sex. It’s hard to describe, other than to say…try it for yourself. Go out just far enough that you don’t get yelled at by those pesky lifeguards, find that most comfortable of floating positions, and let loose. It’s life-changing. And convenient. There’s no gallivanting around in search of a bathroom when you’re at the beach. The bathroom is right before your eyes.
#1 —Wear Whatever The Fuck You Want. This goes back to the “You do you” mantra from #8. But seriously, wear whatever the fuck you want. You’ll never see any of these vacationers again, so who cares?
I was my best self at the beach. I pretty much wore the same board shorts and tank top for 3 days straight. I also bought those dope-ass pink sunglasses pictured above. Where else can you get away with not showering for nearly a week? The beach is where it’s at. The beach is bomb-titties.
