Toilet Seat Confessions: “Twinkle-Toes”

For the briefest of stints in high school, I played football. Given my stature and my “um, fuck that” attitude towards weight-lifting, I ended up snapping my collar bone in half after being sandwiched between the strongest and the fattest kids in school respectively. But during my stay on the 7th grade team, I earned a nickname — one that would literally stifle me from ever getting a girlfriend that entire year. “Twinkle-Toes” as I was dubbed, originated from my stellar dance moves in the locker room. Oh I’m sorry, apparently my homophobic teammates were threatened by my talents. In the pros they call it celebrating, just saying. Dear 7th grade team, a year later “Twinkle-Toes” would go on to finger a girl in the back of her dad’s car (while her dad was driving.) Thanks for the memories.