The “Scream” Team
A deep dive into the fuckboys of Scream.
Urban Dictionary defines “Fuckboy” as:
A guy with the body of a man and the mind of a perverted teenager. He has no heart — just a penis that he uses to paint the town.
Goodness gracious, that is just spot on. I’ll be using that definition as criteria throughout this list so if you get confused, just refer to the top. Honestly, what better way to illustrate the fuckboy lifestyle than via one of my favorite horror movie franchises of all time; Wes Craven’s Scream.
SPOILER ALERT: It’s literally been 24 years since the first movie was released so if you haven’t seen it by now, then you’re a lost cause. Here we go.
Billy Loomis (Scream)
I mean, you know I had to start with Billy. His first scene may be the most cringe-worthy interaction between a boyfriend and girlfriend that I’ve ever witnessed. He climbs through Sidney’s window (at night.) He claims that he couldn’t sleep, and that the edited for TV version of The Exorcist reminded him of their relationship. WHAT??? Oh, he then proceeds to coax Sid into some — and I quote — “on top of the clothes stuff.” Being the romantic that he is, Billy attempts to sneak attack Sid with his patented fingerblast under the nightgown routine and immediately gets shut down. If you’re reading this then you know that Billy gets what’s coming to him. Up until his last gasping breath, Billy Loomis exemplifies what it truly means to be a fuckboy.
Trevor Sheldon (Scream 4)
This one might be too easy. Trevor cheats on Jill Roberts. Jill kills Trevor. If you cheat on your girlfriend and get caught, you can’t then immediately beg to get back together with her. That’s fuckboy 101. Unfortunately for Trevor (and his crotchal region) he cheated on a serial killer.
Derek (Scream 2)
Let’s set aside the fact that Derek is in a frat, because that’s just low-hanging fruit. I want to believe that deep down he’s a good guy. But if we’re saying someone is a viable boyfriend candidate based soley on the fact that they aren’t Billy Loomis (a psychopath) then we need to raise our standards a bit. Derek is pressuring Sid throughout the entire movie. Like why are you trying to pin this girl down? Her mom was brutally murdered and then the same thing happens to her closest friends, but you don’t have the mental capacity to understand why she maybe has some trust issues with the men in her life?? Fuck off, Derek.
Stu (Scream)
If you don’t think Stu wanted to get with Sid throughout his entire high school career then you just weren’t paying attention. We can tell right off the bat that Stu is your typical horny-ass teenager. He dated Casey Becker before her untimely death. It’s even suggested and (in my opinion) later confirmed that Stu murdered her because she dumped him for Steven Orth. We meet Stu when he’s already dating Tatum, whom he and Billy murder in cold blood. Noticing a pattern? One of Stu’s last lines is verbatim “I always had a thing for ya, Sid!” He’s a player, and when things don’t go his way he resorts to murder. So let’s go ahead and take a look at our fuckboy checklist:
- Perverted teenager — Check.
- No heart — Check.
- Penis that he uses to paint the town — Check.
Cotton Weary (Scream, Scream 2, Scream 3)
I’m making an exception for this one, because I do think Cotton Weary has a heart. But just because he has redeeming qualities doesn’t mean that he isn’t still a fuckboy. Like Billy’s dad, Cotton has also had an affair with Maureen Prescott. He’s also (wrongfully) accused of her rape and murder. Not a great look. But even after he proves his innocence, gets his own talk show, and settles down with his girfriend he still craves that attention. When Ghostface disguises his voice as a female on the phone in Scream 3, Cotton openly flirts with the fictitious woman. I’m sorry, but it’s the third movie and the guy is still giving us a red flags. Fuckboy alert!
Charlie Walker (Scream 4)
We’re lead to believe that Charlie has a crush on a girl named Kirby, and who knows? That may be true. But as we find out, he and Jill Roberts are in a secret relationship together. What’s hilarious to me is that our good friend Trevor interrupts a would-be kiss between Kirby and Charlie, and Charlie has the audacity to get mad at Kirby for leading him on for so long. Dude you can’t be trying to get with 2 different girls at the same time, and also feel bad for yourself. Charlie receives the ultimate punishment in the end, as Jill stabs him through his cold fuckboy heart.
Detective Kincaid (Scream 3)
I don’t know what to say, Dempsey. You’re a detective. Banging Sidney Prescott is not in your job description. Mariska Hargitay aka Olivia Benson would be absolutely livid knowing that Detective Kincaid is flirting with a special victim. Does Kincaid truly want to be with Sid, or does he buy flowers for every attractive female victim that he helps? We can only assume that he hit it and quit it, because there’s absolutely no sign of him in Scream 4. “But he’s McDreamy.” No. He’s not. He’s McSleazy, and you have horrible taste in men.
***Honorable mention goes out to Hank Loomis (Scream) and John Milton (Scream 3). Hank (Billy’s dad) not only cheated on his wife with Maureen Prescott, but his actions are basically the catalyst for the original Woodsboro murders. John Milton surpasses fuckboy status and moves straight to the title of predator. Ummm hello, Harvey Weinstein. He admits to hosting parties where aspiring actresses (including Maureen Prescott) would sleep with him for better roles. Doesn’t get much worse than that. Fuck this stupid asshole.
I don’t want to end this on a sour note, so here’s the best GIF you’ll see all day.
