Local Boy Scores Winning TD, Gets Dumped By Girlfriend.
This really happened. It may seem like hearsay, but this shit actually went down. When I was in 5th grade, my parents thought it would be good for me to get outside and do some physical activity. Translation: My parents forced me to play Pee Wee Football every fall. I know what you’re thinking. “5th grade.” “Girlfriend?” “That doesn’t even count!” First of all, relax. Secondly, of course it counts!
The summer before 5th grade started I was in a car accident. I’m obviously here today, so it wasn’t that bad. Buuuuuut it was still really bad. The seat belt I was wearing basically crushed my insides and royally fucked up my digestive system. I spent a week in the hospital and during my stay, pretty much ejected every bodily fluid imaginable. Fast-forward to me stuck on a couch watching Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery on repeat for the entire summer. Now to 30 year old me, that sounds like a dream vacation. But to a kid who had just moved to a new neighborhood, and had zero friends? Not so great. Luckily we had just moved to small town America where everyone knows everyone else’s business. News of my car accident had apparently spread, so here and there I would receive visitors. Of these visitors, was the person who would end up becoming my first real girlfriend. She would just sit on the couch with me for hours on end. It was definitely out of pity, and I was plenty okay with that. We watched fucking Austin Powers 93 times that summer and she didn’t complain once. You know when you like-like someone for the first time? It was totally the summer of like-like.
I was cleared to play football around the same time school started. That’s also when we started calling each other boyfriend/girlfriend. I’d never had that before, and I fell hard to say the least. I thought it was this cool, romantic thing that I was on the football team while she was a cheerleader. She didn’t give a shit about any of that and who could blame her? We were just kids.
Honestly, Pee Wee Football is a shit-show. Coaches in the middle of the field, hardly any playbook, kids just throwing haymakers, drunk parents just…throwing haymakers. It’s a sight to see. As much I felt forced to be there, it was fun. Let’s be real, my parents had to have an inkling that I’d never make it to the NFL. So at the very least I was having a good time. Guys no joke, this is what the fuck I actually looked like back then…
That is not an athlete…That is cringe-worthy. I’m lucky a girl even looked at me, let alone wanted to call me her boyfriend. Look closely and you can see my orange and black team-colored braces. “Look out! Cool-guy Zach coming through,” Exclaimed nobody at all. A few years later my collarbone would snap in half, because I was pretty much THAT size all through high school. Thus ending a short and lackluster football career.
That picture though…just…wow.
How this game got to the point that it did, I’ll never really know. We were down by 3 points. 4 seconds left, no timeouts. Our defense had them down at their own 1 yard line. *ALL THEY HAD TO DO* was run the ball for a gain and the game is over. That is not what happened. I’m guessing their coach had slugged down one too many Coors Originals the night before and didn’t give a flying fuck about the outcome of this one. He calls a pass play. Quarterback drops back. We get to the quarterback. Quarterback fumbles. Ball loose in the end zone-
We have interrupted this broadcast to inform you that YOU HAD ONE JOB!!!!!!!!!!!!— now back to your regularly scheduled meltdown.
I was playing defensive line at the time (because that makes sense) and I swear to you, my eyes lit up like it was goddamn Christmas morning. I ran as fast as my scrawny legs could carry me, threw my body, and covered that football…for the touchdown. For the win.
You can’t write that shit (even though I just did.)
PERSONAL STATS:
- It was the first and only touchdown I would ever score.
- No game ball.
- It was a blur, but after the game my girlfriend was nowhere to be found.
- The timeline might be a bit off here, but I’m fairly certain the next day she called and broke up with me. That night, my dog got hit by a car.
I kid you not my dog died the same day my girlfriend ripped my heart out. That’s some real life “Hero to Zero” bullshit. This is all pretty ridiculous for a 5th grader to have to deal with. Looking back I probably came on way too strong for that girl. But that’s life. Also, I do have a full head of hair now. So that’s a plus.
The End.
