Living with Mack.
Hi! I’m Mack (that’s short for Mopey Zach LOLZ get it!?) Zach’s parents chose to spell his name with an “H” which doesn’t really make any sense grammatically, but his Dad still spells it Z-A-C-K for some reason so we’ll let it slide. Zach and I have this really cute back and forth. A give-and-take if you will. Well it’s more of a take-and-take. I take, and then I take again. Zach kind of just lays around all day, and I take and I take. It’s almost a miracle that I’m even here talking to you. He’s not usually this creative when I’m around. What we have is special. What’s that thing where you hang out all the time and never go away? Oh yeah, Friendship! I guess you could say we’re besties. I could go on and on about how close we are, but why don’t I just show you? Follow me!
MONDAY:
Monday is my FAVORITE day of the week. Zach and I usually just spend the entire day in bed. Sometimes he gets up and goes to the bathroom, but I’m always there waiting for him. One time I saw him grab his towel and almost take a shower (because he’s starting to smell like a wet dog mixed with a homeless person) but he never even turned on the water…loser. Most days we just chill in our gym shorts which is kind of ironic since he never ever goes to the gym. One day he put sweatpants on to go to the kitchen. He’s hilarious.
Now, I know what you’re thinking.
“Hey Mack, isn’t this relationship kind of toxic?”
“This doesn’t seem healthy at all.”
“Why are you like this?”
Listen, in the depression biz we don’t use words like “toxic” or “unhealthy.” I’ve been with Zach since day one. But I just needed a little push so that we could be closer than ever. I think it had something to do with Zach losing his job? He still hasn’t gone back to work after like 5 months, which allows me to spend all the time in the world with him. He must be a shitty writer because nobody (and I mean nobody) is hiring him! LMFAO.
Unfortunately like all friendships, I have to fight for his attention. Like when he tries to write on his computer or send emails. Deep down he knows that I will always win those battles. Some of the best times I have with him are when we scroll Instagram and Facebook aimlessly for hours. I love making him close Twitter on his phone, just to re-open it on his computer 10 seconds later. We do this every Monday and it’s aammaaaaaayyyyyzing.
We don’t eat anything all day which is super fun! We used to get coffee in the morning, but I didn’t like that. So now we just sleep in. The only time we eat is when the girl comes home. His fiancé and I do not get along. For the sake of the story let’s just call her something terrible like…HAPPINESS. When Happiness comes home it’s like I don’t even exist. It’s like I get pushed to the back of Zach’s mind. This makes me mad. But like okay Zach :/ let’s be real, I’m always gonna be here. You can watch hours of Netflix with Happiness or eat your one meal a day with Happiness. But you know as soon as she goes to sleep, your old pal Mack is gonna be waiting.
I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t afraid. My biggest fear is that Zach is starting to get…ugh I don’t even want to say it…better. The worst is when he finds spare energy somewhere and starts to play his guitar. First of all Zach, you suck at guitar. Secondly, your voice is trash. Those are the facts. I’m just trying to be a good friend here. But it makes me worried that he has an entire gang of Happiness and they’re all talking shit about me behind my back. Like I don’t really matter. Yikes…
Ahh who am I kidding, I’m gonna be here for a while. As long as Zach keeps listening to songs like December by Neck Deep and Taylor Swift’s “Red Album” I’m gonna be just fine. It really was awesome meeting all of you internet people. I’ll talk to you real soon!
This is Mack signing off.
Stay mopey!
-M
