All the Best Girl Scout Cookies to Stick up Your Ass
I’m not here to kink shame. This is meant to be a simple guide. After all, who doesn’t love Girl Scout Cookies? The flavors, the textures, the colorful boxes. Cookie season rivals that of Christmas and football in terms of pure, pent up excitement. I’ve assembled the definitive ranking of the best Girl Scout Cookies to shove up your ass. Please enjoy safely.
Thin Mints — Trust me, there is going to be no good way to go about this. However the ‘glazed’ or ‘covered’ cookies have got to be the easiest way in. Thin mints are somewhat sturdy, but a word of caution. They don’t call them ‘Thin’ Mints for nothing. If you find yourself anus-deep and the cookie happens to break, abort mission. Unless you want a tingly butthole filled with freezing cold minty freshness (not to mention those jagged edges) slowly and carefully remove the cookie.
Raspberry Rally — If you are allergic to raspberries, please for the love of God. Avoid this cookie at all costs. Raspberry Rally is a newer addition to the Girl Scout Cookie rainbow, so I’m just as curious as you are. Again they have a chocolate layer covering the cookie which seemingly makes for a smoother entry. I have to reiterate that if you’ve driven right down main street of Browntown and this cookie snaps in half, pull out!
Tagalongs — Realistically the Tagalong should be at the top of this list. It’s one of the softest, most malleable of the GSC family. Let’s be real, you’re gonna like the way this cookie feels on your bunghole. In recent years however, the Scouts have been increasing the amount of peanut butter that gets injected into these treats. That means larger surface area, and a thicker overall cookie. Proceed with caution.
Adventurefuls — These newbies are really going to work to your advantage. The soft brownie batter gives you a pleasant texture to work with. And for those familiar with nutted recipes, never fear. This ain’t your aunt’s brownie mix. The thin stripes of chocolate icing even act as a convenient lubricant while you work them through your tunnel. 8/10 would recommend.
Lemon-Ups — This is where things go from bad to worse. There are no other comfortable Girl Scout Cookies. I’m sorry, but we’re well past that. From here on out it’s just gonna feel like you’re shitting bricks. Lemon-ups at least give you a nice zesty tingle, other than that there is nothing to look forward to. Might as well shove a rock up your buttocks.
Trefoils — What in the gaping hole is going on here? That’s not a cookie, it’s a death wish. What a horrendous shape for eating, let alone shoving into your backside. What Girl Scout leader sat down and was like, “You know what texture I love in a cookie? When it feels like I’m eating a dog treat!” Trefoils can burn in hell.
Do-si-dos — These fuckers want to be Tagalongs so bad. Unfortunately do-si-dos are the evil twin of Trefoils. More craters, double the cookie, oh and let’s just add some dry peanut butter in there for good measure. No lubricant, no comfort, no chance. You’re better off trying to insert a tree branch into your rectum.
Toffee-tastic — I genuinely thought it couldn’t get worse than do-si-dos in terms of sticking girl scout cookies into a human B-hole. I was wrong. What is this disaster? It’s a cookie complete with toffee — the exact opposite of lubricant — so this is getting stuck no matter what. The earthquake-like texture isn’t going to help much either. I’d say skip this piece of shit.
S’mores — If you love tradition, I suppose this one’s for you. The Girl Scouts have taken the fun and excitement of making s’mores by the fire, and threw it in the trash. These also happen to be the thickest cookies in the GSC family according to a study I made up for this article. Don’t worry, there are two kinds of pain you can endure. Either chocolate mess, or dry crumble. You know how sand gets stuck in your crevices at the beach? Think that, but graham crackers.
Samoas — Oh you didn’t think I’d forget the mother of all Girl Scout Cookies, did you? Someone call Paul Dano and Daniel Day-Lewis because, there will be blood. Sticky, chunky, sharp, rocky. The shards of coconut will live inside of your anal canal like a bear in hibernation. This is the most dangerous cookie around. If you somehow maneuver this thing into your bottom hole, it will not be coming out. You will need surgery to remove the Samoa from your large intestine, I promise you. Samoas are by far the worst choice.
I hope that this list was helpful. Seriously though, this is satire. Please don’t try to shove cookies up your asshole, then come back and sue me. I currently have $5 in my wallet, and I need that to buy Girl Scout Cookies.
