Top 10 Things I Would Drink Out of the Stanley Cup.
In case you haven’t heard, the Pittsburgh Penguins are Stanley Cup Champions for the second consecutive year. I believe “Back to Back” is the phrase used most commonly. As Pittsburgh begins it’s summer of celebration, I got to thinking about the greatest trophy in all of sports. I’m guessing there was quite a bit of alcohol being chugged from the cup before it ended up at the bottom of Mario Lemieux’s swimming pool. Brad Marchand took the more conservative route by eating a delicious serving of Cinnamon Toast Crunch out of the cup. If I happen to win the Stanley Cup someday (super likely) here are the top 10 things I would drink out of it.
1. Iced Coffee. My standard morning routine is fairly uneventful. Roll out of bed, shower, fall asleep in the shower, question my entire existence, etc…What a world it would be if I woke up to a Stanley Cup full of iced coffee with cream and caramel every morning. Some of you may be thinking “But, why iced coffee?” This is probably a debate for another day, but iced coffee is just better than hot coffee. Like its sister-beverage, the cold brew, iced coffee is just as refreshing as it is energizing. Now imagine drinking it out of Lord Stanley’s glorious chalice! Day made.
2. Bloody Mary. My go-to hangover cure. I like mine with a little extra horseradish. You know, just enough to clear those sinuses. I’d like to add, if I’m prepping for a solid day-drinking session, a bloody mary is usually a good jumping off point. Stanley Cup, Check. Alcohol, Check. Meal in a drink, Check. Bring on the bacon.
3. Beer — I.C. Light
Yep, I went there. If ever there was a beverage that symbolized an entire city, I.C. Light may be it. For those not familiar with this Western Pennsylvania delight, it’s the light version of Iron City. Founded in 1861, the now Pittsburgh Brewing Company still distributes three Iron City varieties; Iron City, I.C. Light, and I.C. Light Mango. I tend not to drink anything that my Mom finds enjoyable, so we’ll just ignore the mango version. According to the Pittsburgh Brewing Company’s website, “IC Light is the only premium light beer that embodies all things black and gold. If that doesn’t scream “City of Champions” I don’t know what does. Playfully dubbed “Dirty River Water” I.C. Light can be purchased in cans, bottles, or in your friendly neighborhood Stanley Cup.
4. Capri Sun. Okay, what I really meant to say was Squeezit, but lord knows nobody here would get that reference (shout out to all you late 80's babies.) This fruity punch-style drink can be enjoyed sans alcohol, but where’s the fun in that? I’ve seen the “Adult Capri Sun” popping up on some NYC bar menus recently, and I approve. What better way to bro out with the boys than to mix up some Capri Sun-inspired jungle juice and swig that sweet nectar. Word of advice. Ditch that red solo cup for a thoroughbred Stanley Cup.
5. Chocolate Milk. One of the first true loves I ever had in this dumb life of mine. The only proper way to create this masterpiece is with Hershey’s Syrup. I’m sorry, but Hershey’s trumps Nesquik any day of the week. Directions: Starting from the outside rim of the cup, apply syrup in a circular motion. Continue applying syrup to the inner circle of the cup. Once you reach the core of the cup, feel free to let the chocolate syrup puddle a bit. Once you’ve used enough chocolate to give yourself the jitters for 3 days straight, slowly pour the milk into the cup. I prefer 2% but it doesn’t really matter. If you decide to use soy milk, please be sure to throw that nonsense in the garbage and buy something else…anything else. Stir until the white milk turns into brown milk. Blow as many chocolate bubbles as your heart desires.
6. Tears of my Enemies. Now hear me out. Logistically this would be the most challenging to accomplish. So many things would have to go right. First, you’d have to have an enemy. I’m talking a certain Darth Vader, Hitler, Joker-esque someone who has done you wrong in a seriously dark way. Then you would have to somehow contact this person, and I’m not sure that I’d just have my mortal enemy on speed dial. But let’s say by some miracle you set up a cordial meeting. How do you make them cry? Do you physically injure them? Do you insult them mercilessly? Do you try to make them laugh hysterically? Ultimately the next part is the most difficult, because unless your enemy cries like a cartoon character, you’re going to need a funnel. For argument’s sake, let’s say you’ve done everything correctly up to this point. Remember these are still human tears we’re talking about. They’re going to be salty. They’re going to be warm. Why are they on this list? Because nothing is more bad ass than saying you drank the tears of your enemies out of the Stanley Cup.
7. Champagne. Because you’re not not going drink champagne out of the cup. For a beverage as fancy as champagne I’m breaking out the bungee cords and duck tape, and strapping Lord Stanley’s Cup to a golf cart for classy day on the greens. I won’t sugarcoat it, I’m poor as shit. So when it comes to brands of champagne, you’ll find me drinking a nice Verdi or a sensible Chateau Diana. Top shelf at your local Rite-Aid.
8. Cinnamon Toast Crunch Milk. So this is a variation on the Brad Marchand treat. If you live life under a rock, and have never experienced the euphoric nirvana that is the milk left over from a bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch…prepare to have your world shattered.
Let a friend start by eating the cereal and tearing apart the roof of their mouth (not a knock on CT Crunch, just a fact of life.) After the feast is over. Behold…the milk. Don’t be alarmed by the residue leftover. Spoiler alert: It’s cinnamon. Now drink it down like a champ.
9. Any IPA. If you want to sound cool in front of your drinking buddies, the only way to do it is by drinking the most obscure triple IPA out there. Believe me, I was so anti-IPA for the longest time. Until my friends forced me to drink them consistently enough that I just started enjoying them. I will admit that on a hot summer day IPA’s are refreshing as fuck, and the since the alcohol content is higher…you get drunk faster. It’s simple math really.
10. Hot Apple Cider. Last but not least. There are about 3 weeks from late September into mid-October when Mother Nature is just on point. You have leaves starting to change color, the chill is back in the air, and hockey season is right around the corner. It’s about this time of year that I usually heat up some cider, spike it with some whiskey or rum, and get hammered on my porch. I can’t think of a better way to usher in a new season of hockey than by raising a cup to the man himself. Here’s to you, Lord Stanley.
